The Needy

It's become a nightly ritual, choosing the topic of the day.  I recall the events of hours past, feel for what has left an impression, and rack my brain to figure out what's weighing most on my mind.  Eventually I always find it, that thing that needs further resolution, and so I hash out my feelings with words.  The end result is usually a sense of closure and clarity that allows me to lay my burdens to rest, for now, for a while, for as long as my burdens sleep.

Often times, it doesn't come so easily though.  Sometimes the words won't come willingly.  I end up pushing, struggling, and dragging my muse to the keyboard by the tits screaming, "Come on sweetie, it's time to pour your heart out again." She kicks sometimes, she bites, she goes limp in my arms but I insist, and eventually my muse always gives in, spilling her blood all over the internet.

(If my writing process seems more masochistic than therapeutic, that's because sometimes it is.)

There are days when a journal/diary/daily reflection does the body good.  These are the days when your body is so overwhelmed with emotion that the only path to survival is to step outside yourself.  Your feelings and your reason must divorce from one another so that your intellect can offer comforting explanations to help you cope.  There are other days though, those beautiful days of no real consequence and zero heavy drama, when over-analysing can seriously mess with your state of calm.

Tonight I thought about discussing my struggles with long-distance friendships, the imperfections of communication, and the murky bog-lands we must all traverse between dependency and self-suffieciency, but I the end I thought, Do I have to?  Maybe today was no big deal.  Maybe today was fine.  Maybe there was less to worry about than I thought, and maybe I've been over-thinking.  Perhaps when nothing in particular is on my mind it's because nothing in particular needs to be and to dwell on nothing is to consciously will an unnecessary problem into existence.  The mere consideration of a need can beget the creation of one, making the most considerate the most needy.

Then again, is it better to live needlessly?  Those who need nothing tend to get nothing, though they are spared the pain that comes with needing and not having.  I guess it all depends on what you want and how much you can take.

That last sentence can be interpreted a couple of ways, can't it?

Day 33.  TFR.  SYT.