It's day 145. The last 115 went so much faster than the first 30, after which I promptly gave up. How do you stop a downward spiral? The reverse twisty physics make me dizzy, so much so that I usually end up lying down, watching TV, staying in, and sleeping 12 hour days. It's pretty pathetic. This morning I thought about how much I prefer sleeping to waking. At least shit happens in my dreams. I can fly or fight dragons or whatever; reality is far less compelling.
The stock response for those unhappy with their lives is usually the same: change it. Take the first step, work hard, you get what you give, never give up never surrender, blah blah blah blah blah. That kind of "solution" is Oprah's "The Secret" and I gag every time someone tries to shove it down my throat. I've been getting high on that same bullshit since as far back as I can remember and that pony just don't ride the way it used to. Mental motivation. Those beliefs that used to take me on year-long, mind-blowing, life-changing trips barely get me buzzed anymore. It's something about my staggering lack of lasting results that had made me doubt the whole system. A lot of blind faith in something that never delivers has left me jaded. And sad. And lost. And stuck. And lonely. And really, really pissed at myself for buying into it for so long.
I realize that this is an enormously vague question, but why does everything have to be so hard? And by 'everything,' I mean 'life.' And by 'life' I mean 'it.' Why isn't everything/life/it easier? Shouldn't it be fun? "Life" is a word full of... life, not hardship and toil.
Perhaps the reason my own life seems so unsatisfactory is the fact that I'm constantly comparing it to that of friends, enemies, lovers, exes, family, strangers, celebrities (fictitious or otherwise) and every other person who simply doesn't matter. They come and go; it's guaranteed. In the long run there is no long run and I should really just enjoy the human contact while I have it.
No more competition. Who has the most money? Who gets the part? Who has the best body or the biggest dick or the hottest girlfriend of the most impressive lifestyle? Who needs it? I think I'm over it. All I wanna do is have some fun. Sing it Sheryl. Me too.
Only not really. Most of this it just half of it. The other half of me still wants to be exceptional. Will that part just happen on it's own ifIi give up the pursuit? I don't want something better, I want something specific and another blind, faithful leap into the unknown makes it so I might never get what I want... This sucks. I don't want to give up control unless I know it's a winning gamble. Basically, I don't want to give up control. Isn't there a way to beat the system? I'm not saying I want to cheat, but it'd be nice if the hand I was dealt were stronger than everybody else's. I only want to keep playing if I can't lose.
Is this immaturity or wisdom? In either case, it's an accurate description of my mental clusterfuck that is currently making me feel very, very tired. I would seriously appreciate some advice if anyone out there has been through something similar. Chastising is not welcome. I have a very naggy mother for that.
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